Workin' on my fitness

Thinking about Ivy has given me the motivation I have been needing or almost a year. I've started cleaning up my room again and working out. I'm trying to establish goals and figure out ways to meet them. I'm looking at ways to control my eating habits and spending habits. You could almost say I'm starting to grow up and act my age....almost. I just have to be able to pick myself up by the bootstraps and make a move in the right direction befor history repeats itself.

Fishes

Well, I am begining to see some baby fish in my tank, again. This will be the third generation. I'm kinda proud that I have been able to keep these fellas alive and happy for so long.

I am a sucker for chinese.

Today, I caught the early showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, which was awsome. Afterwards, I left the theater feeling like I needed to do something "EPIC" This brings us to a flashback...
..
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I have always had a thing for waitresses at chinese reaturants. I don't know why. They just appeal to me. Saving a few choice occasions for another time, we come to the Chinese buffet near my house. I have been going to this particular reasturant for quite some time now. Over a year at the least. Some (well several) months back, they added a new waitress to the staff. Very cute, shy ,just addorable. Oh and the glasses just put it over the top for me. Anyway. I started going there more to see her than because I was particularly hungry. I frequented there so often, actually that they began to have my drink ready for me before I even made it to the table.
I would take my time eating and just enjoy seeing her. nothing creepy. Just being there made me happy. All the while I would never talk to her more than the standard "is everything alright?" to which I would reply "yes" and continue on with my meal. ...
...

Well today I felt "EPIC" so while I had the momentum I decided to do something with it. I went to the restaurant even though I wasn't all that hungry and proceeded to chicken out. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. A few minutes went by as I finished my plate of crab rangoons and then it hit me. With the left over puddle of sweet and sour sauce on my plate, I took my fork and began scraping it into small piles and forming them into shapes. twice during this sculpting, she asked if I was done with my plate, to which I replied "No thankyou" with a smile and she went on. It took about 20 minutes of me lightly scraping away on this plate but when I was finished I looked over at her to get her attention and she came to my booth and leaned in a little as if expecting a question, to which I politely asked, "Can you read english well?" It took an extra second for her to understand the question, to which she replied "Yes, I can read english well." and then blushingly beamed a smile as I turned the plate towards her and she read little red letters made out of sweet and sour sauce, spread across my plate that spelled "You are beautiful." We talked for a moment and I actually asked her name. Me, in all my shyness when it comes to dealing with these matters actually asked her name. She told me her name and we talked for just a moment longer before she needed to go help another table. (I've learned there is not much time for chit chat when you work at a chinese reasturant.) We didn't speak after that. I finished my meal went up front to pay and leave. On the way out, she said goodbye to me, which I enjoyed, and then I left. It felt great. It was wonderful that I actually spoke to her, but this momentum of "EPICness" was not over. I couldn't let it end at that so as I was steping off the curb infront of the restaurant, I turned around and steped back inside to grab one of their business cards. I then stopped by the gas station because my tank was empty and grabbed a few gallons and steped inside to grab an instant game lottery ticket. I scratched it off in my car thinking of what I would do with the money if I had actually won anything and what ( or should I say "who") I would spend it on. Well, to my amazment, I actually won a modest yet very generous amount of money from this ticket, and ofcourse I knew what to do with it. I went next door to the flower shop. The little asian lady had just gotten back from a delivery and was unlocking the door when she saw me. She asked if she could help me and I said "Yes. I need help because I am clueless for I am a man." ... She understood...
I breifly explained the situation and gave her the address of the restaurant and name of the person the flowers were to be delivered to. She then asked, "What type of budget are we looking at?" to which I replied simply by reaching into my pocket and pullnig out a modest yet very generopus amount of cash and placing it on the table. Her eyes opened up very much with glee at the sight of the established budget and proceeded to tell me that everything would be taken care of. I picked out a small card, and wrote a few lines from the heart. She placed the card in a small envelope and took over from there. The flowers will be delivered toady at 5:00pm. I won't know the result until the next time I stop by to enjoy some chinese.

Days go by

The days. The days drip drip drip. Every day a timy drop. A drop from a single icecicle. An icecicle hanging over the side of a frozen bank. The bank attached to the edge of a massive glacier. A glacier that moves so slowly that it doesn't seem to be moving at all but every drip of every day moves it along. Another drop furthers it along. Patient yet unyeilding, it moves. Nothing can stop it. Drip......drip........drip.....

I slowly let this ball unwind

As I slump within my chair
at the wall I sit and stare
a growing thought develops within my mind

From the places dark and cold
and mememories stale and old
I slowly let this ball unwind.

Along the path of my dealings
with this mass of thought and feelings
I try to discover what presides

Within my brain a growing being
malcontent with what he's seeing
this aborition is not merely along for the ride

It grows within me like a stem
branching out upon its whim
its roots too old to destroy

a culmination of my days
a cataloge of my ways
every act since I was just a boy

Not laid out and organized
and in no way prioritized
just a messy wad of papers within a drawer

and breaks free a list of jots
of old and faded "what if's" and "why not's"
I watch as it swagers down onto the floor

I read the list but feel no pain
why should I with nothing to gain
for feeling bad about events I've left behind

I reminiss
of what Ive missed
and slowly let this ball unwind

Obla de

Liz.

I know nothing of what she is doing for 9 years and actually did think about her from time to time and when I finally do cross paths with her again, she is getting married 1 month later.
I really wish I could have asked her out on a date atleast once, but thats life.

I ask you

What does a guy have to do to get a date.

Even less, what does a guy have to do to get a woman to even look at him twice.

Its a losing battle, and its all the jerks of men that don't care about the women they are with that are winning. Bastards.

you call, you win.

So I'm sitting down in my car from coming out of Publix two nights ago, and when I turn the car on, the radio turns on and the DJ says, "Ok, call and sing 10 seconds of any song you want and you win a playstation SingStar prize pack." (http://www.us.playstation.com/SingStarRocks/)

I figure, why not. So I called and got through, but then the guy said that I was caller 82 and hung up. At that point I realized that I had to be caller 100 since it was Q100 and they do the constests that way and I was caller 82 which kinda stunk, but I was determined to keep calling and after 3 network busy signals and 1 line is busy signal I actually get a ring...ring....ring......ring.......ring........ring..... ring.... I'm thinking to myself now "great I probably over shot and they are just gonna let me hang in ringing limbo until I hang up." Well, I didn't hang up, and after about 15 rings, they finally pick up the line and say "100." I was it! I was the 100th caller! Now all I had to do was sing 10 seconds of any song I wanted but I actually had to REMEMBER enough of the lines of a song to sing tens seconds. My brain was racing and every song that I had ever heard and sang to was turning into empty ghosts as if in some bad dream where you reach out for something and your hand goes right through it. I had to have the lines to SOME song stored on my head SOMEWHERE! I had to sing and I had to sing RIGHT NOW! My heart was racing and my mind was getting fogged more and more as every song I knew slipped away from my memory until I hit one song that I would never ....sigh ....never.....forget. It was in that moment that I began singing midway into "Part of you world" from The Little Mermaid. The Dj and the lady in the studio with him was rolling with laughter. They could not belive I was singing The Little Mermaid. Tem seconds finally came to pass they yelled, "You WIN!"
I was utterly amazed at what had just happened on a whim and now here I am giving them my information for a $320.00 prize package. I picked it up this morning after I got off work and now I have my very own PS2 and SingStar game pack. Yay me.

that's me

I know I'm not the nicest person anymore.
I used to be all gentlemanly and polite and courtious, but you know, it didn't get me anywhere, so I became a little rude, egotisticle, sexist. I still haven't gained much ground in my social life but at least I feel better about myself. I just have to face it, I'm scary. I scare people. No matter how nice I am our how great I sound on a profile, I'll always be "that creepy guy." I've come to accept that. I've accepted that I scare women enough just by my physical appearance that no matter what I say or do, they will never get past the intial "creepy scary guy" impression that they have of me and it will probably be many more years before I get into a relationship. Now that kinda stinks, but short of winning the lottory and becoming super rich, I see no reason for a woman to want try to see me for who I am as a person instead of what I appear to be. It sucks, but its reality.

starting fresh again, for the first time

So here I am, sitting with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Icecream in one hand and a plastic spork in the other and I think to myself, "Wow. Why have I never eaten this stuff before now?"

It's all part of my starting new things and restarting old ones. I bought some amazingly comfortable rollerskates (not rollerblades)and I use them to go skating once a week. I also bought an electric bass guitar and I am learning how to stum out a few riffs on it as well.
Both are constructive in their own ways.
Its a start.