A four letter word for irrational.

It wicks its way through my veins. Seeping into the far reaches of my being. Lashing out like a deranged virus, infusing every cell of my body until nothing is left untouched. My Core... My very being is altered. A madness now takes me.

It cannot be measured in time because every moment becomes an eternity wraped within itself.

My mind bends. Warped by the weight of my thoughts. The strain continues into my sleep.

There is no rest from this.

My body sleeps but my mind cannot let go. It wants to scream inside. It wants to be irrational. It wants to hurl itself blindly forward in hopes of breaking through this void that grows within it.

I cannot...

I cannot .....say... the words....

The words.....

Do I feel ... love?

Am I within .... it?

Is this torment that holds my mouth closed yet sets my mind a little too free, that feeling?

The thought of it scares me.

I stand scared... trembling, I stand... scared....but hopeful.

The past says I will fail, as does a thousand voices in my head that lash out and attempt to silence the one....the one.......

the one shred of a voice that dares to say I won't and that its real.

If only it was real.
If only there was even a chance.
I had it ....once.... that chance. Just the one. It was so perfect of a moment. It would have changed my life forever.

I regret having turned it down. Not completly, mind you, but there is still regret. I regret few things. So few few things..

I want to call it love, but I feel much like it the same as picking a name for a new puppy. Its the most beautiful, warm little bundle of joy in the world and the name is irrelevant, really. It just gives a label to the happiness.
Happiness... I am in happiness.... yes.
Happiness is more forgiving when it leaves you.
I'll just think of it as a free trial size version of love. If I don't commit, I can still keep what I've got.
Here I am babbling about nothing. Confused and melodramatic in my words...*sigh*
You win. Its love.

Stupid stupid love.